i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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