my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
