We won't sleep together?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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