My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
