My cat gives me a boner
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
