i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
