my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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