You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
