There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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