That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
