Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
