I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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