I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
