Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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