I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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