I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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