Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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