I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
