I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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