I hope mine doesn't look like that
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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