i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
