Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I could make wine with my vomit
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
