I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
