he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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