My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
