My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
