we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Bring me that man meat
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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