It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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