dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
