how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
