I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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