I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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