I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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