a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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