The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
