update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
