You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
