It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
