How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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