new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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