im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
