Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
