I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
