dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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