a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
