he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
