and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He shit in the fireplace
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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