By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
