you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
