i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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