i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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