she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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